i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
jump out the window naked night went bad
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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