Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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