Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
