I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
