just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
