I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
