my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
