how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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