I was born with a shot glass in my hand
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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