apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
