I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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