I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
dude i'm inner monologue high
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
