the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
