There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
