I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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