You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Your penis caused this!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
