these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
