You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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