I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
