Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
