Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
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