Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
