All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
