My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
