my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I AM VODKA MAN
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You brought string cheese to the strip club
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
