The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
