When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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