yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
