Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Randomize
