woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
