Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
