i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I checked into jail on foursquare
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
