Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
