Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
