my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
