So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
