I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
