Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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