I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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