Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
