I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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