i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Houston, we have a blender
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
