On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
