I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
