I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
