I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
