All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
