omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
