just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
