My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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