don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
