Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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