My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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